> Imagine Telecom had a dynamic P.O.Box to which we'd send their accounts.

A slightly off topic but interesting related story - apparently authentic too ...
feel free to forward to your bank manager to keep him/her on his/her feet.

> The following is a letter received by a major US bank recently - and
> yes, it's for real - it was printed by the New York Times!

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and
the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty. The manner in
which this incident was handled has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this
end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become.

>From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must
nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application For
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/ her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone
system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized
Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings,
may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By
pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive
set of menus: 1. To make an appointment to see me; 2. To query a missing
repayment; 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry; 4. To transfer the
call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be
communicated at the time the call is received; 5. To transfer the call to
my bedroom case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be
communicated at the time the call is received; 6. To transfer the call to
my toilet case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be
communicated at the time the call is received. 7. To transfer the call to
my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 8. To leave a message on my
computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9.
To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've
chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made
of
marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for!

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off
by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of
$20 per A4 page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at
$5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as,
for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will
be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client.

________________________________________
            Harold Jarvie
              Wellington
             New Zealand
         hjarvie@bigfoot.com
    http://bigfoot.com/~hjarvie
________________________________________

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Received on Thu Jun 3 10:02:11 1999